Every year so many people talk about their New Year’s resolutions and by February or March their life is exactly as it was before the resolution. Why do so many people fail in these goals and often fall back further than when they began? It’s simple; New Year’s resolutions are just a way to poorly set goals and help train the brain to believe “we aren’t actually going to do this” when you tell yourself that you are.
The first mistake in these resolutions is waiting. Why wait until a different calendar date to begin your goal? Studies have shown that it takes only seconds for people to lose the motivation to act after they feel the desire to achieve a goal. If you want to change your life in a particular way, start now! Stop putting off the changes you want to make and at the very least make a plan of action steps to achieve that goal.
Another mistake in these resolutions so often is using the word ‘should.’ “I should go to the gym 3 days a week.” “I should be spending more time with my partner.” “I should be spending more time studying and less time watching tv.” When you think about one of your goals using a ‘should’ statement, how do you feel about it? Most people feel the ‘ugh’ or dread or annoyance. That feeling state is not going to push you towards success in achieving the goal and maintaining it. When you have negative feelings towards an action, you will (consciously or unconsciously) find ways to avoid it, excuses to get you out of it, or just give up on it. Everyone can use a ‘should’ detox. Change the ‘shoulds’ in you words and thoughts to ‘can’ and see how your emotions change.
Another common mistake is setting a big, long-term goal without details or steps along the way. “I’m going to lose 50 pounds this year!” That’s a great goal to get healthier and fit. Most people would get a gym membership, start eating too many salads and then get burnt out after a couple of weeks and fall back into old patterns. But what about the details? Are you going to exercise 5 days a week? Are you going to monitor your calorie intake to a reasonable and balanced amount of carbs, fats, and protein? Are you setting shorter-term goals like losing 15 pounds before a certain date? Are you learning about proper diet and exercise routines that help you achieve this goal? Do you have any accountability like a workout partner? Setting and achieving a goal is a lot more than just saying you’re going to do something and achieving it. The plan and action steps to achieve your goals can make it or break it. Every time you give up on achieving your goal, your brain gets even more trained to not achieve next time.
So what is proper goal setting?
It’s simple but has more components than most realize.
Firstly, what are your goals? Let’s start with one long term-term goal. Is it a positive or negative goal? Do you want to start or gain something, like make more money or start meditating? Or do you want to lose or stop doing something, like weight or a bad habit? The subconscious mind only works in positive affirmations. If you say to yourself “I don’t want to smoke” the subconscious mind only hears “I want to smoke.” Rephrase your goals into positive ways, such as, “I am going to be smoke free.” This is a vital component to goal setting; if your subconscious mind is working against you, you will struggle vastly more to achieve your goals.
Next, think about why you want to achieve this goal. How would your life be different in a positive way when you achieve this goal? Notice the feelings inside you when you think about this. What opportunities or experiences would open up to you once you achieve this goal? When it comes time to work towards your goals and you don’t ‘feel like it right now’, reflect on these questions that induce positive emotions within you. Nurture those positive emotions by reflecting on the success of your goals as well as the success of each step along the way. Emotions drive us all to act each and every day. Emotions are a valuable asset and can be used to help or hinder your progress.
One of the most powerful ways of setting clear goals and nurturing the positive emotions behind them is to write it down. A goal is only a dream until it is written down. It is important to take what is within you and externalize it. So many people miss this important step and by writing something down we are 20% more likely to remember it. Write it out in detail including the emotions behind it. Then read what you wrote and process the emotions that come up as a result.
There are two common emotional responses to reading one’s goals, action steps, and emotions. The first is excitement; reading what you wrote propels you forward in the work. You feel ready and motivated to get started. The other is disbelief or fear. Reading about your goal seems like a fantasy that you would never achieve or the idea of that success brings up fear within you. If this is the case, what do you believe about yourself that is so limiting? What beliefs about yourself must change in order to no longer limit you? Find what is within you that must change in order for you to move forward and work with it. As it shrinks back, the part of you that is capable and strong can come forward and help lead you into growth. These uncomfortable emotions are bound to come up in the process at some point. Work with them instead of being controlled by them.
Another major component are the action steps. These are reasonable short-term goals which when achieved will build on top of one another and get you closer to your long-term goal. If your long-term goal is to get into a meaningful romantic relationship within the next year, what steps need to be taken? Be sure to make the right action steps for your particular goal. Do you need to go out to bars and talk to drunk strangers or download a dating app? Probably not. Do you need to open up your social circle, go to more social events and be willing to talk to and get to know strangers? Yes. Do you need to be willing to ask someone out on a date and potentially be rejected? Yes. Do you need to ask out everyone that you find attractive and that is also single? No. Do you need to find ways to connect with others in a meaningful and healthy way? Yes. Thinking about how you must evolve during the process of achieving your goals is important. Plan the steps in as much detail as possible; this includes time frames, who is involved, coordinating your schedule, what obstacles may arise, etc. Details are key!
Finally, maybe the most difficult part in achieving a goal, is just doing it. Want to get healthier but don’t want to get up early and go to the gym and focusing on the positive outcome isn’t enough to get you out of bed? Just do it. Just get your butt up and go. At times we all need some tough love (this does NOT mean self abuse) in order to get moving. A personal pep talk can go a long way at times. And on those days when you push yourself to just do it, the satisfaction afterwards will be so much better. You didn’t want to and you did it anyway and look at you now, great job! One of my favorite (and only) affirmations I use is “Hell yeah! I can do hard things!” The endorphins from congratulating yourself after getting it done even though you didn’t want to are even more powerful. These are the times when your brain does significant rewiring from “we don’t do what we say we’re going to do” to “yes! I do what I say, I achieve, and it feels so damn good!” Congratulating yourself after each small achievement (in whatever way is appropriate to keep you on track towards your goal) can make all the difference in keeping yourself motivated to keep going.
You CAN do it!
Bullet point steps:
What is your goal? Phrase in a positive affirmation.
What are the details of your goal? Time frame, place, amount, etc.
What beliefs, emotions, or thoughts occur when you think of achieving this? What must change so that you can become the person that would achieve this goal?
What are the smaller action step goals that will keep you on course to achieve your larger goal? Daily, weekly, or monthly actions to keep you moving forward.
What is keeping me from just doing it? Fix it.
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